If we were still together…

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shoesSometimes I wonder, how wonderful it would be if we were still together..
How happy we both would have been if we were still together..
How beautiful life would have seemed, if we were still together..

Sometimes, when I go shopping, I see a nice T-shirt and I immediately picture you in it and feel like buying it and mailing it to you.
Sometimes, when I am stuck with a project and am immediately reminded of how you used to help me solve each and every academic problem of mine and helped me with all kinds of projects and I wish that you were there with me to help me solve it.
Sometimes, when I go to watch a movie with family or friends, some scene makes me nostalgic or laugh loudly and I immediately want to share that scene with you or wish that I was watching this movie with you instead of them.
When I go to restaurants, I involuntarily end up ordering something that I don’t often eat, just because it is your favorite dish and we ate it together so many times.
When I go shopping, I see a guy waiting out of a trial room and instantly wish you were waiting for me too, just like you used to patiently wait, even when I tried 10 different tops yet bought none.
When I stumble upon something technical or technological, I wish you were still there to help me and guide me with the process.
When I do all of those things that you either did for me or helped me in completing them, I realize, that when you did those things for me, I loved it because I felt loved and cared for.

Heights is, more often than not, whenever I go to a gifts gallery, I get so engrossed in your thoughts and the things you like that, in that enchanted state, I end up buying some or the other gift for you. Then, after reaching home, when I again look at the gift, it suddenly hits me that we aren’t together anymore.

I would want to share these Taylor Swift lyrics with you which exactly speak about my situation and feelings right now.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate YOU..
Because each time you reach out, there’s no reply..
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can’t say ‘hello’ to you & risk another ‘goodbye’..
I just want to tel YOU that,
It takes everything in me not to call YOU..
I wish I could run to YOU,
And I hope you know that every time I don’t,
I almost do…
I almost do…

There is always a battle raging on between my mind and heart. My heart says, ”
F**k the things that others say. F**k all those quotes. Just go ahead, talk to him. While my mind says that you drove him away for good. You’ve been able to live on your own, without his support and going back to him would only mean to be dependent again.”

I was hurt, I was angry, I was devastated, I was broken from insides when you said you didn’t love me. I hated you. Literally. I so wanted to delete every trace of you. Every single thing of yours.
But now, when I look back, I realize it wasn’t your fault really.  I fell in love with you but that doesn’t mean that you had to love me too. Back then, my mind was clouded by my feelings and I blamed you. I thought it was your fault and so I cut off all ties with you.

You did say that we can still be friends. But, since you hadn’t been in my position, you wouldn’t understand that the most painful thing in life is to be just friends with someone you love dearly.
I didn’t want to be just friends with you. I always wanted more. Much much more from you. And when you declined it, I began to hate you.

They say, whatever happens, happens for good. But, sometimes, such shitty things happen in your life that you fail to see the good in them.

Alas! If only we were still together..our stories would have been so different.

P.S : Rishi Kapoor’s character says in Jab Tak Hai Jaan, every love story has it’s own time. When the time is right, your love will come to you on it’s own.. You just have to wait for the right time.
But the hardest thing to decide is, whether to wait or move on? And how long does one wait if one decides to wait?

This entry was posted in hurt, life, love, relationships, Taylor Swift. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to If we were still together…

  1. Pingback: September 2013 | Musings of Jigar

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