I am/We are so sad that even you were one of those many men who simply “use” the term love and break hearts. So they say.
I wonder, what make them say so. I just keep silent.
How come you never talk of her, they say, or rather ask. How come you never show any feelings, they continue. Is this the love that you were talking about, they accuse.
Then I realize what exactly is going on in their minds. And I feel sorry. Very sorry. For myself. That I had surrounded myself with such friends all this time. Who not only do not understand me, but also jump to stupid conclusions based on half-baked facts. Or rather, jump to conclusions based on their own opinions.
Now who is to explain them how much I miss you and how much I still love you, I wonder. Who is to tell them that just because I never talk about you in front of them doesn’t mean your absence from my life doesn’t affect me, I keep wondering.
Although it is they who should understand my position and support me without waiting for me to ask.. Here they are, accusing me of not loving you enough, just because I don’t cry or I don’t grow my beard or I don’t listen to sad songs or I continue to keep smiling. How ironic, I wonder. The harder you pretend to laugh in the day to forget him/her, the stronger are the flood of the memories that flock your mind at the night. If only they knew this.
They don’t realise that how difficult it is for me to not talk to you. Heck, they don’t even notice that I have simply stopped talking about you with them. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to or I don’t care, it just means that I know talking to you or about you won’t make things any better, I keep on thinking.
Just because I don’t cry, they conclude that I don’t feel any pain. But, I keep wondering, who is to explain them that I am dying to talk about you to any idiot who is willing to lend me his/her ear, yet I keep my feelings in check and forcefully stop myself from talking about you lest I break down the wall that I have slowly and painfully built around my heart.
My self-respect and ego stops me from crying in front of them. They know very well that I am not talkative and I especially never share my troubles with others and I don’t want their sympathy. And more over I don’t talk about you in front of them because I don’t want them to think/speak ill about you and these people go on making stupid conclusions!
The big trouble with being strong is that sometimes people don’t realize that you can be hurt too and you may need support too. I am a strong man and it has it’s own perils, I then realize.
Everyone has some or the other unspeakable pain that they are carrying within. It’s just that some prefer to share and cry while others prefer to hide it with a smile. Who is to explain this to my great friends, I feel.
I don’t want to cry when I think about US. I only want to smile no matter how much I am hurt or how much it pains me to be away from you. We may no longer have what we had once, but I know, whatever we had, it was beautiful.
Finally, I tell myself, I don’t need to get all worked up for people who don’t understand me. I simply shouldn’t bother myself with clearing these misconceptions, I tell myself. It’s not worth the effort nor my time. It doesn’t matter what others think/feel/say/do, as long as I can face my conscience, I am good.
P.S : P.I.A – Pain in the a** !